we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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