Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
