Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
