sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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