i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
