Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you had me at cake vodka
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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