please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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