The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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