Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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