dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I would ride that face into the sunset
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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