when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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