then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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