I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
