The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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