I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
