I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
