She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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