I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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