i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
