Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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