Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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