haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
