I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
