let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
