remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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