i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
