It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
