Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
