and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think my moral compass just broke
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