I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
