I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
