So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just threw up on my dentist
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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