im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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