Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
