someone threw a dead crab at me
Small penises have feelings too.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
