Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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