What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
