i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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