screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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