Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
