so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
