I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
