I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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