So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
