Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
