If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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