The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
