Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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