I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
