did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
